It’s hard… (a post from the past)

It’s hard seeing your parent suffer. Not being able to help, to alleviate the pain, to fix what’s wrong. I know the traditional role is that the parent should be doing that for the child but when a parent is the one suffering, it’s hard to have to sit by and be helpless.That’s how I feel right now. My mother is very sick. She can barely process oxygen and she’s in intense pain because of GI issues. It’s heartbreaking to hear her say “I don’t want to do this anymore”. It makes me cry when I hear how much she is suffering.

Once in a while her smile or orneriness will break through and I’ll see the Mommy I know but for the most part she is just in a lot of pain and there’s not much any of us can do besides hold her hand and wait for the doctors.

It’s so hard when you can’t understand the medical staff because of their thick accents. I have every fait that these men and women know what they’re doing but when you can’t understand what they are explaining to you, you can’t help but feel completely lost. It just adds to my feelings of helplessness. If my dad weren’t here I’m not sure what I’d do. I truly cannot understand most of what they are saying.

I try not to think about what’s going on. I know I’m an emotional eater and tonight I gave in to some chocolate peanut butter ice cream. I didn’t eat all of it but I did have some. I was thinking with every bite that the reason I was eating it was for comfort, but I really didn’t care.

The hotel we have found ourselves living in has a room with a bicycle and three treadmills, but it’s always locked. There is also a minuscule pool and a hot tub that will scald your skin off your body. I try to get a walk on the beach every day but today it was raining so there was no walk. I did get in the pool and do some leg exercises and some crunches in the hotel room. Does that count?

The days are going by in a blur and I can hardly keep up with what day it is or whether it’s day or night. Every room, the ICU room and the hotel room, has light blocking curtains so no light gets in to tell us if it’s 10am or 10pm. The only thing that keeps me somewhat aware of the time are the phone calls from Aaron and the girls.

I miss my husband and my beautiful girls. It’s so hard to go through something like this and not have the man I love beside me to hang onto. I love him for going to school to better our family and I completely understand the need to go to class and I support it 100% but I can’t help but wish it were spring break or summer vacation. I miss Samantha’s jabbering and stubbornness and I miss Madison’s sweet smiles in the mornings. I miss Aaron being contrary just for the sake of being contrary, although he tries to keep that up over the phone.

I love my friends and family for praying for us and encouraging us.